The Litany of Hate is, essentially, a collection of about three hundred posts of women speaking aloud their abuse, telling what happened. It is a stunning indictment of the common sexual discourse because so many of the stories are the same. It demonstrated -powerfully- that the problem is in the deepest part of society itself. What I couldn't get over, though, was how often women mentioned that cat-calls, being groped, or lewd remarks made them feel dirty or sexually impugned upon.

That's when the trouble really began in my head.

I couldn't help thinking about the times I had been cat called by cars full of girls, and sometimes guys, or times when I have been touched by people I didn't want to be in the club in ways I didn't want to be touched (I chaperone, it's not that I don't trust my female friends to fend for themselves its just if a guy is going to try and cop a feel on someone I care for, I'd rather them grope me instead... and they have once or twice) , or the volumes of casual cruelty that men do to eachother, especially when you aren't quite straight. None of this made me react like these women did. Never once has this bothered me... at least to any extent that I could recognise.

Everyone's pain is their own. See, that's what is wrong with my thinking. I was comparing, judging, determining worth by resiliance to behavior that -should not exist in the first place-. The problem isn't with how they cope, it's that they shouldn't have -reason- to cope. but of course my wrongheadedness wasn't done.

See, I've been abused too. Raped. And yeah, it's hard to say that, but I got there. As I read over all the hate that society has generated against women and the casual, enabling, denying, stupidity of the average person it started to bother me again.

This, I thought, this is a forum for moral support for female sexual abuse victims. There is a -culture- involved with this. There are programs, litigation (really crappy though, needs so much work), and even a movement based around stopping these injustices. Oh, and what do men get? Oh you'd love to -think- that male privilage would extend to taking abuse, especially sexual, against males seriously. It doesn't. But as I sat there I realised. These women blame Men. I'm a sexuall assault survivor too, yet if I shared my story would they care? Sure, I thought, they'd care, bit not as much as they would for a woman who would have gone through the same things.

And so I seethed, and kept reading.

The only time people care about boys being molested is when there is additional scandal to go with, I thought, not remingind myself that that's pretty true about women too. No, the only thing I could think of is there are shelters for battered wives, but that I would be ridiculed for expecting the same for men. Why is my experiance invalid? I've been abused by both men -and- women, try and tell that to a normal person and they might admit that the rapist in the street was assault, but women? C'mon, you're a dude. So I kept reading.

Then. Suddenly, without any of my earlier issues being resolved, it struck me. Am I one of these men? Am I a part of this parade of crimes? Have I coerced people into sex and potentially damaged them forever? Horror stole over me, its cold embrace wracking my already flimsy mental state. I could only come to one conclusion. Probably.

Probably I had done it without my knowlege, I've had blackout drunk nights where sex was invloved (waking up with a condom on, at once uncomfortable and intensely relieving), anything could have happened. Or maybe I -had- done it intentionally. I play rough with people who like that kind of play, and that means I have a long list of encounters where I wasn't given a no, but never got a yes, and these are with people I cared deeply for and even loved. As I sat their and reviewed my conduct, especially recently, I realised that the abuse hadn't stopped with me at all, it had just downgraded some. Preying on compulsion is not consent. Then I came to my second conclusion. By this point it is nearly impossible (I'd put it in fractions of a percent my probability of escape) that I haven't damaged anyone sexually with my actions, with or without my knowledge, exactly the way I have been damaged.

So, I'm a sinner. Generally that makes me feel like a worthless piece of shit. Generally that makes me a worthless piece of shit. And then my experiance -was- invalid. Nevermind that I responded to being sexualised at a young age by seeking physical intimacy as a way of telling myself I was loved. (The patriarcy call women who do this sluts, right now I now I'm amonst their number.) And hey, the fact that my coping mechanism for abuse was traditionally feminine? That bothered me too. I look at myself and I know that despire how hard I -tried- for the past eleven years, I've failed. I failed you all. Irredeemably.

Of course feminism wouldn't include me. I'm the enemy. Like so many men, I tried not to be, but... I was... I am...

And this -THIS- is why I have a hard time not getting angsty in my blogs.

Fucking pathetic.

Tags: feminism, surviving insanity
Current Mood: morose

So I'm already a bit staggered by not having anyone else in my home, not having a reason to -do- anything other than the baseline of eventually I want to make something of myself. Depression is an easy habit for me when I'm alone. Then the bad news about the army, that didn't help. So where do I turn? The internet! To be specific my friends, who I trust to be supportive (well most of them) and to have good ideas that make me think. Now I have a friend Krinn, who hopefully is reading this right now, who is a person so incredibly dear to my I must say that I love them as family. Krinn is also a feminist, who has pointed me in some interesting directions for it before namely a few blogs (feminism 101 and iblamethepatriarcy) that are rather interesting as someone who has a -strong- interest in Civil Rights.

iblamethepatriarchy is pretty darn amazing. Twisty is very strong with her word-fu and I can actually see her fighting spirit glow from her blog. She has the heart of a true champion, I'm certain if she felt like it she could be a whole super sentai team, by herself. Or even better she could be a shonen protagonist with a decidedly feminist bent, tipping the whole genre on its ear. (That, by the by, is not a bad concept to start with when thinking of a story... maybe I...) On her blog late friday night/early saturday morning I read a post about men posting on feminist blogs. There was a link to two other blogs in her 'but what about the mens' section that detail how to post responsibly towards women. In it she says, and I paraphrase, that it'd be better if men simply didn't post at all.

On one hand I can see 'This is a Safe Place' in it. On the other hand I find it deeply insulting.

Now! Understand that -I- understand my outrage to some extent is generated by male privilage. 'Oh? Is my experiance not -valid- enough?' is the same kind of thinking that comes from the expectation of inclusion. It's wrong for me to expect that, especially in a 'Safe Place' that I frankly haven't been invited to. So, I go read the primers. I agree with some things, disagree with others, but one thing sticks in my craw. Once again I paraphrase, a part said that asking what people are going to change the situation is doing it wrong.

Now lets get another piece of privilage I have ingrained in me by my own particular culture. That is the thought that the racism and sexism debates can be compared. This comes from being a black man who has been prejudiced against, struggled against it, and to some degrees overcome. We Shall, after all.

Of -course- these issues can't be compared evenly. They just aren't the same. Yes both have been going on since before recorded history, yes subjugation and slavery  have happened on cause of both. Wars are fought over racism, thousands of people throw their bodies and lives into the meatgrinder over ethnicity.

The biggest difference is that for feminism or female rights, violent wars are not fought, in patriarchal society women are -expected- to walk dutifully into the meatgrinder of rape culture and die there without protest, quietly, with but a whisper, and no loss of life on the side of men is expeted or tollerated.

Give me an enemy I can face, I would ask if given the choice, and luckily in my privilage they did, and so I do. The slavery of women is , in my opinion, worse. First off slavery of ethnicity? Includes women, and captors have traditionally forced the degredation of being property to disgusting places. Dual slavery, not to say that black men were never sexually abused by plantation owners, seems a step up for me. A slavery your entire world reinforces subconsiously? Yeah no, I can punch bigots in the face if they say/do something stupid. I can't punch every advertiser in the world turning women into the sex class no matter how hard I try... yet... but man wait till I have a drill big enough. The common discourse, despite how hard change is to enact is on -my- side. I can look at any woman and know it's against her.

Back to topic, it bothers me that male feminists are supposed to be passive. That bothers me a lot for the aformentioned selfish and wrong reasons. The 'positive feminist male stories' I've read (I've only been doing this for about twenty hours all told, so I haven't seen a lot but...) are all reactive. No pro-active male feminists to be seen, and what is more your behavior and conduct when engaging in discussion is supposed to be passive as well. No assertions of male privilage is difficult to come by, I know I -could not do it no matter how hard I tried-, but I just don't understand the need for a lack of vigorous debate from both sides of the gender line.

I was about to just write it all off (in a classicly male way) when I felt the need for a second opinion, called Krinn, and was told to wait till they could explain it better, and pointed me to another blog, and told me to look for the incrimentalsim. So I did, educated myself a little more, and got even more angry at the abuses thrown, and stqrted to think 'well maybe it's not all bad, it's just a support structure that has nothing to do with me and everything to do with equality'

Then during all that I stumbled, quite by accident onto a Litany of Hate. I didn't think I'd need a part three but here goes.

Tags: feminism
Current Mood: melancholy