Today was so incredibly intense, but first to address something, or more importantly someone.

I love you. I need you. I miss you more than words can convey.  I miss you more than my heart can bare to reflect. Don't leave. Don't leave -me-.

Okay, so today started with vacuum noises. I might have lamented my family earlier but man do we get some things right, in this case we clean like a mug. To use a basketball metaphor our cleaning takes the form of zone defence, we stay in one area and pass cleaning utensils between us. We don't talk, we just clean. Sometimes hand gestures are involved, thinking back on it we have some Black Bolt in us. (Get it? It's a nerd joke, Black Bolt, black family?) In fact we work really well like this, so much so that when I'm with the family I forget that other people can't hear our silent conscious decisions. More on this later.

So the family gathered. It was time for the funeral after all and we had a service to get to. My father showed up and we lead the charge to the church, I got to talk to my little sister on the cell, she's going to camp, I'm excited for her. Of course I'm still terrified at her living situation, but you would too if you suspected your eight year old little sister was being malnourished and ill educated not by intent but by -ignorance-. I'm helpless in the situation, naturally, but what can a half brother do? Bothersome.

So the service begins and people speak, talking about how my great-grandmother's connection with god never waned, how she was an amazing person, how she helped shape a community of love in Coffeeville. There was also a lot of talk about god, and raising chideren in the word and so forth, which my mind twisted into indoctrination. I got up to speak, check out how I rip people off left and right and fail a bit.

"...so that aside I just want to say something on the subject of life, death, and passing. Life is the bitter pill we all must swallow before we reach our joyous surcease." This got a lot of approval grunts and a few hallelujahs "My great-grandmother has finished this life and can now drink of the sweet water." This got fewer grunts. "It is in us the living not to sorrow, but to exist in joy will only add to those that have past on to the after. Thank you." And then I sat down and got claps. See how I failed? People came up to me and commented on how profound my words were, I was asked to speak at someone else's funeral...

I could have rolled them.

I could have given them the ultimate token, I could have -passed-. I could have once and for all assured my family I was still christian. All I had to do was mention Jesus or God or anything like that and the impact would have -trippled-. But I couldn't do that, and my performance suffered. I stuck to my beliefs, compromised only as much as I felt I could... It was enough to wow them but I still failed.

Funny thing was there was a millionaire preacher there, he was impressed. If I had gone for the gut I could have gained a valuable contact.

In the closing someone mentions the Fear of God. That about ruins all the lovey dovey fellowship talk from before.

So we came home and there was food. Lots of food. Lots of chatter too, I've found that black families all have complimentary laugh tones. The casual talk and cackling is a frequencey you can immediately identify as family even if you don't know what's being said. It's soothing somehow. Tribal. After the food came the viewing.

The family went to the mortuary. There was litterally an echo in... I would call it space, but it wasn't just. I looked at a dead body. Everyone else saw great-grandma.

All I could think of was to wonder if I could make someone else so still, if I could handle the concequences of lethality after looking at the end result in the face. The -absence of a person- was staggering.

I decided that yes, I could.

After the viewing we come home. We sit around and I get into a -very- rousing argument with the pastor starting on the subject of FOX News, then into government theory, then into aliens as a catalyst for unifying humanity, global climate change... I mean we whent -everywhere-. He was a christian conservative who makes over 250000 a year. We had lots of fun.

In the end he told me I had a gift and to keep on with my passion but not to let it outweigh my judgement.

This was a pretty cool day all things considered.

... But I missed you. I wanted my family to meet you.

Current Mood: cheerful